Kerry Jokes

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of
President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make
him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he
do now but go into hiding." -Jay Leno

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story,
John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." -Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were
discussed. And then, Nader spoke." -Jay Leno

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says,
'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'" -Craig
Kilborn

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting.
Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a
'charisma black hole.'" -Jay Leno

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry
is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" -David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the
Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry
campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that
campaign." -David Letterman

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat
for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a
1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And
America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." -David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry
replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " -Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President
Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq
dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an
opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those
problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." -Jon
Stewart

"Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his
campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of
'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six
different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one
particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops'
environment.'" -Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said
Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear
message." -David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint
... he gets $1,000 haircuts." -Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once
went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners.
His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." -Craig Kilborn

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking
Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." -Jay
Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry
calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday
afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke
the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not
seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough
to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." -Jay Leno

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth
than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" -Jon Stewart

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this
week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest
first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said,
'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" -Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the
Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut,
which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." -Jay
Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a
picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad
from 'The Munsters."' -Jay Leno

"John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some
damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a
Republican." -David Letterman

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as
opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." -Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in
history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's
nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" -Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The
doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery
was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his
boring self soon afterward." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally
hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." -Craig Kilborn

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B
deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold
Card." -Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really
offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue.
OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." -Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John
Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has
twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he
can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name
them either." -David Letterman

"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was
reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the
Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to
raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his
wife's purse." -Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until
the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't
show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And
that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better
personality." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying
group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a
lawyer and a politician." -Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the
president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the
ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in
order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who
better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he
knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his
place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the
working man." -Jay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already
planning his White House sex scandal." -David Letterman

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally
found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." -Craig
Kilborn

"Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging
opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math." -Conan
O'Brien

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that
because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might
pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." -Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on
gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris
Hilton." -David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to
each other some political experts think that they may end up running
together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused
them of planning a gay marriage." -Conan O'Brien

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the
presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an
Al Gore endorsement." -Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see,
that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all
that flip-flopping on issues." -Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman.
When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman
said 'Close, but no cigar.'" -Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend
Update"

"Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he
won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so
confident that he's started nailing that intern again." -David Letterman

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this?
Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an
affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would
never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He
said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and
marry it." -Jay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to
come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we
find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's
war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters
will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the
war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and
his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you
nuts?!'" -Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife
was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is
worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the
wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" -Jay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was
married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle
Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic
presidential candidate with good taste in women." -Jay Leno

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to
the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he
lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not
superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing
everything that moves." -Bill Maher

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What
did I ever do to you?'" -Craig Kilborn

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now,
as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They
claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just
Howard Dean is wearing them now." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's
when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he
had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear,
unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." -Bill Maher

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to
defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife,
Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." -Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is
because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected
and it didn't help him at all." -Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest
amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white
man who lives far, far away." -Dennis Miller

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He won 39
percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the
long face?" -Jay Leno

"Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving,
donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is
his hair." -Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end
of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years,
but this is it." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the
presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who
lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who
lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives
in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game." -Jay Leno

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat
Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek
magazine a threat to world peace." -Jay Leno

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by
apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for
once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." -Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the
'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he
would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." -Jay
Leno

"These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's old
taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released footage of
John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks like the tree
from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" -Bill Maher

"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want
the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" -David Letterman

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for
president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect
President Bush to 'f--- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking
news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean
as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States - and you
thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John
Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." -Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on
fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several
times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president.
And Bush said, 'You can't'?" -Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John
Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out.
Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she
had." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the
doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually
active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive.
Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to
offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if
she was lonely." -Jay Leno